Missing Me

Missing Me

As a 40-something year old 

special education teacher

with anxiety and depression, 

I really don’t have too many moments 

to miss things. 

Sometimes I miss Sunday nights 

of bad TV and bleached roots. 

I miss the nights I could stay awake 

past 9 o’clock. 

But what I really miss is the me I was 

before common core and crippling debt. 

I miss the Sarah Jessica Parker, 

Girls Just Want to Have Fun, 

9 year old dancer in me, 

the one who performed in front of strangers

in the neighbor’s front yard on hot summer afternoons. 

I miss the frolicking-through-carnivals me, 

the stuffed purple unicorns and corn dogs me, 

the me who belted out “The Right Stuff” 

at the top of the ferris wheel. 

Sometimes I miss being afraid of thunderstorms, 

Those questionable days watching out for the dark clouds 

rolling in while at the community pool, knowing exactly 

when it was time to run like hell for the arms 

of the college-age lifeguard. 

I was pretty smart for an 11 year old.

Yes I do miss the naive me, 

the one who fell hard for hugs from boys, 

not knowing they were simply looking 

to feel my early-developed rack against their bodies. 

I miss no-makeup-wearing me, 

the small sips from Dad’s beer bottle me, 

the me who sat at the coffee table

with tomato soup, grilled cheese, and Hollywood Squares.

I miss my mother teaching me how to apply 

three shades of eyeshadow, on her bare knee, 

the only light coming from the TV. 

I miss the me that cut her own hair 

and refused to wear a real bra, 

the jumping off the swings 

at absurd heights, daredevil in me, 

the skateboarding on tennis courts me, 

the me that curled up on couches 

with boys after school and listened 

to cassette recordings of dirty comics. 

I miss the me who kissed an older guy 

who dipped and pretended to like it, 

I miss the young, savage, wine-cooler drinking, 

menthol cigarette smoking, crossing a busy 

highway in the dark kind of me, 

the girl who wasn’t afraid of screwing up, 

if she ever really existed. 

I miss the daily poem writing, 

the 2 am epiphany kind of me, 

the student in me who still knew the world 

was hers for the taking, 

the young adult in me who was okay 

with minimum balances 

and boyish men who should have married their mothers. 

I miss the me who truly believed 

she could teach young minds to love

Shel Silverstein, 

collecting rocks and words, 

and putting words on rocks, 

writing stories about magic coins, 

and how to love. themselves. first. 

Despite the things I know I miss, 

I’ve realized I can’t really miss them at all, 

for the walls of my brain, adorned with 

Garbage Pail Kids, bubble gum cigarettes, 

New Kids on the Block posters, and peeled skin

from many sunburns – they may never crumble 

in the chaos of now. 

The me who could write a term paper in one day, 

the me who could go 40 years without breaking a bone, 

and the me who trusted this thing called love – she’s there, 

in the recesses of the mind, striving to live again 

like ghosts and ivy.  

Happy World Poetry Day

Talk to me 

Conversations with contemplative pauses, 

glittering crags of phrases littered with shards 

of random swearing. 

I’ll notice how your mouth moves 

when you say things like, “impervious to pain”. 

I’ll take a mental photo of your fingers raked 

through your hair. 

Tell me to stop smoking when I drink, 

tell me to stop drinking while I pray, 

show me how to forgive every once in a while. 

I won’t mind being honest about what my nails 

were digging into each night, 

as long as you keep telling me stories only I’ll believe, 

and I promise to keep drawing on the mirror with lipstick, 

and finger writing my name down your spine. 

Perhaps the start of a poetic memoir, maybe just randomness

Still, every once in a while, a poem or two will come out of nowhere even when I’m drowning in fiction. I highly recommend Beth Kephart’s Tell the Truth. Make it Matter: a memoir writing workbook.

If this jewelry box could talk…

I’m older than anyone left living in the family, 

yet I’ve seen less of your world 

then these rings you never wear, 

and the broken chains you’ll never fix. 

I am stained with nail polish remover and hot tears. 

I thought you’d paint over me one day. 

Then you realized Mom would have killed you 

for altering my chipped, distressed bones. 

Locket-sized photos of people you barely knew, 

broken broaches and chokers, marbles, Italian lira, 

Mom’s chunky necklaces you can’t bring yourself 

to touch – nevermind wear. 

This is what you’ve held hostage inside of me 

all these years, and when you’re gone 

they’ll be no one left to take me to a new home. 

So before I find myself in a rummage sale 

tape a note to me that says, “I mattered once”. 

A note from the bedroom door…

I’m tired of watching you scroll on your phone 

until you fall asleep and the damn thing hits the floor, 

exhausted listening to you bawling 

until that one blocked sinus in your conscience clears. 

I’m open when I should be closed. 

I’m closed, and stay closed, when the breeze 

vies for a chance to cool the sweat on your neck. 

Stop hanging things on me as if you’ll never need me to close. 

I am worth more than the cheap, gray paint you dressed me in. 

I am the first thing that stands against the world for you, 

so use me like you use this pen – 

urgently, with a strong grip and without reason. 

Moving forward 

You forgot I was there, didn’t you? The key fob to what was your mother’s car. It’s funny what you forget once it falls to the bottom of the fifth purse you’ve used this month. Remember when the dog chewed on the corner of me? Mom never scolded the dog since the fob still worked – starting the engine, locking the doors, creating the illusion of safety with the panic button. That’s just the kind of person she was – forgiving, as long as she and everyone she loved appeared safe, alive, and free to move forward. 

Bring me back…

When you are a 40-something special education teacher with depression and anxiety, you don’t get too many quiet moments to simply reflect and process. Occasionally, a seemingly obscure moment – whether it’s listening to a new or old song, watching a scene from an impactful movie, revisiting an episode of a classic sitcom, or a having a brief encounter with a stranger – this moment will come out of no where and remind you of what you once had, what you have now, and what you can still lose. This is especially true in this digital age where we allow our whole lives to be accessible. I had one of these moments this morning, and it hit me with its best shot. 

I woke up a half an hour before my alarm to go to the bathroom, and I cannot think of many things that are more infuriating, besides getting whipped with a Twizzler. So I figured it was not worth going back to sleep only to be ripped from my ten minutes of additional slumber. As I often do, I got back into bed and screwed around on my phone, trying desperately not to fall into a teasing sleep. I’ll often watch true crime videos on YouTube (why I do this in the dark when my anxiety-laced brain is incapable of any rational thought, I do not know), but sometimes I’ll listen to music and/or watch music videos. Several days before I received a notification about a brand new New Kids on the Block song and video, so I decided to check it out. 

Let me just pause by saying, without an ounce of shame, that I still love those handsome sons of bitches from Beantown. Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I was all about that scene – posters, magazines, books, buttons, a hat with the top cut off, I had a lot of stuff – my collection was nothing compared to all the girls who owned the dolls, bedsheets, shower curtains, trading cards, and marbles. Mom never let me go that crazy because as the wise woman she was, she knew the phase would pass. And it did. It just sort of happened. They disappeared. I disappeared into the 90’s world of flannel shirts, Doc Martens, dyed fire engine red hair, and grunge. 

It took about fourteen years for me to discover that they were back together, touring regularly, making new music, and establishing a following of young and old, male as well as female. Years ago, I worked with someone who told me about seeing the New Kids in concert, and I assumed it was a random reunion show and didn’t think much of it. Well, I certainly made an ass out of, just me. It’s not like they have an enormous following now that most of the boys are in their 50’s. But what they do have is almost like a secret society – chalk full of thirty and forty-something year old women – mothers, daughters, grandmothers, teachers, doctors, lawyers – all looking to preserve and embrace the shadows of a simpler time. These guys have also aged beautifully and are damn fun to watch too. The raging hormone factor certainly hasn’t gone away. But now the boys don’t have to worry about being overpowered by clouds of Aqua Net and the clutches of Lee Press On Nails.  

Going back to my morning, I popped in my ear buds, listened to the new song a couple of times, and was overcome with a bizarre fusion of joy, laughter, and pain – the joy and laughter for the crazy nostalgia the song triggered, and the anguish and tears for a time long passed. A time before unrealistic expectations, breakdowns, divorce, losing a parent, losing jobs, and losing sight of what really matters – fun, pure joy, family, friends, and nurturing your inner child. A time when life actually made sense for the most part. I found myself staring at the wall next to my bed, trying to figure out why a New Kids On the Block song was making me ball at 5 o’clock in the morning on a Thursday. I planned to write this in an attempt to figure out why, and I don’t have an answer. At least not a solid one. 

Do I have to seriously reevaluate my “now” to not be so profoundly affected by my “then”? Does this mean I would give up anything I have now in order to get one more day – one more day of Teen Beat magazines, bike rides in the mud, and Garbage Pail Kids? 

Would I give it all up for one more night at the roller skating rink or the mall? One more day shopping for high top sneakers, Baby Sitters Club books, and Trapper Keepers? Is there really nothing I wouldn’t let go of now for one more visit to Orange Julius with my Mom, or one more frolic at the town carnival with my grandmother? She won me a lot of New Kids posters playing those games back in the day. 

Maybe I would give up all of my “now” or maybe I wouldn’t. But one thing is for sure, I am honored and blessed to have lived in that time, and I am proud and thankful to be a 42 year old Blockhead. In general, I am eternally grateful for the throwbacks and the nostalgia that’s keeping me lifted when it seems like the Earth is going up in flames. May the blend of ecstatic and hellacious tears continue to put out many fires. So keep bringing it on boys.       

Novel snippet #3 – The Sleepless Knights. *the Muse has been on fire lately. :)

“Alright, where are we heading first, kids?” Kyler asked once each of us threw out our garbage. 

“I say we let the lady choose,” Quinn threw his arm over my shoulders. 

“Oh no, it’s totally up to you guys.” 

“But we want this to be your night, Maeve,” Cayden affirmed. “What did you usually do first when you would come here as a kid? If we leave the night up to Quinn we’ll end up in the middle of the Atlantic.”   

“Well, after we chowed down on sausage sandwiches, we’d play some games. My grandmother had this knack for winning the spinning wheel games.” 

“Oh, you’ve seen nothing yet, sister,” proclaimed Rian which earned him a slap upside the head from Kyler.  

The six of us walked the boardwalk for a bit until we spotted lines of games that seemed to be calling to us. Quinn, Donovan, and Kyler made their way to the strong man game while Cayden and I followed Rian to a Frog Bog stand. We watched him pay the operator for two buckets of frogs. 

“That giant Pac Man is as good as mine.” 

“Re, just take it easy okay. Don’t go nuts,” Cayden threw him a slightly stern look. 

“Yeah yeah, KD, don’t worry about me,” winked Rian. He loaded his metal launch pad with his first frog. I patted him on the shoulder and wished him luck before Cayden and I found an empty spot on the opposite side of Rian. I couldn’t help but notice a big teddy bear wearing a Yankees jersey hanging amongst the menagerie of stuffed prizes. Instantly I thought about how much my brother would have loved it, especially when he was younger. After a few moments of staring dazedly at the bear, I snapped myself out of it.  

“Have you ever played?” I asked Cayden, handing him a rubber mallet. 

“No, I can’t say I have. Us New Englanders are deprived.” 

“Well then, let me show you how it’s done.” 

Before I could get my money out of my jeans pocket to pay the man for my bucket of floppy rubber frogs, Cayden insisted he’d pay and we’d split the bucket of ten. 

“Always fold the frog with his head facing you, and always go for the lilypad in the middle that’s not moving. That way if it bounces off the middle it has a chance of landing in one that’s spinning.” 

“You make it sound like a science,” he teased but smiled sweetly. 

“Oh, I have done extensive research and experimentation. I come from a family of boardwalk game Mr. Wizards after all.” Unfortunately, I was all talk because out of the five fervent shots I took, allowing the rhythmic sound of mallets hitting metal around me to fuel the fire, I only got one on a lilypad. 

“Okay, so I’m a little rusty.” I stepped aside so he could take his turn. 

“Well, why don’t you go ahead and take the next five. I’m going to save my energy for the game where you have to throw baseballs at glass bottles.” 

“Are you sure?”  

“I’m positive. I much rather see you enjoying yourself.” He put his mallet down and gestured for me to continue. 

I set another frog onto the launch pad, aimed, then tried to judge how much force I had to use. Hard rubber hit metal and off it went directly into the middle pad. I thought I saw Cayden wave his hand right when I hit the launch pad but I wasn’t totally sure. 

“I did it!” 

“Nice! Keep going.” 

I took my time with each shot. Every single one landed on top of the other in the center lilypad. I was in awe, mostly by my sudden surge of accuracy, but I was also puzzled. Each time I launched a frog, I caught Cayden from the corner of my eye, waving his two right fingers forward as if guiding each frog into its spot. 

“What are you doing? Willing the frogs to their home,” I laughed. 

“Something like that,” he rubbed the back of his neck. Something I already noticed he did a lot when he was nervous. 

“Annnnd, it looks like we have a big winner here. Alright miss, what will it be. You can choose any of these guys that are hanging up.” The game operator pointed to the line of humongous stuffed animals swaying in the breeze from the overhang. 

“Oh, wow! In all my years of playing this I never won the jumbo prize. That’s okay, I have no where to put any of these monsters anyway.” 

“Well, the medium ones aren’t so bad. Come on, you can’t walk away with nothing.” Cayden playfully nudged me with his elbow. 

“So which one would you pick for me?” 

He scanned the row of animals hanging in between the jumbo prizes. I watched as he rubbed his chin and gazed at the toys as if examining an abstract painting. He squinted his right eye. Clearly he was exaggerating, but I couldn’t help but notice how cute he looked. Knock it off, Wicklow. He’s no where near your league.

“That one.” He pointed to the bear with the Yankees jersey. 

“No way, that’s the one I had my eye on before.” 

“I guess I know you better than you think I do.” 

“Here you go miss, enjoy,” the operator swung the large bed pillow-sized bear into my arms and I immediately squeezed it into my chest and rested my cheek on its head. I thanked Cayden for letting me empty our bucket of frogs. 

“My pleasure. Though I would be lying if I said I didn’t admire that bear right now.” Cayden rubbed the back of his neck. I could tell he was mentally kicking himself for making such a bold statement to a girl he’s known for a few short hours. 

“Let’s go see how Rian is doing.” I turned and hoped he didn’t see the red in my face. 

A light crowd had gathered around Rian on his side of the large booth. They watched in awe as he landed a frog in every lilypad he aimed for. He already had the big PacMan, along with a Scooby Doo and a Batman lying beside his launchpad. 

“Alright folks, now who wants to see me bounce this thing to the other side of the pond?” Rian posed like a circus ringmaster. 

“Actually, little brother,” Cayden grabbed the mallet before Rian had a chance to raise it over his head. “I think you may have had enough of this game. Let’s try one of those mechanical crane games that you love, huh?” 

“Oh come on KD, I want to get the R2-D2 for Donovan!” Rian had to be at least 17 but he sounded like an eight year old at Disney begging to ride Space Mountain for the fifth time. 

“Yeah, listen to the man, kid. You gonna take all my prizes!” The other game operator complained. 

“What are you talking about? You guys rake in the dough. Everyone knows these games are rigged.” 

“Listen you little twerp, you callin me a cheat!” 

“No, he’s not. Not at all, sir. Rian, get your stuff and let’s go. Now.” 

“Fine,” he defeatedly grabbed his winnings and followed Cayden and I like an angry puppy down the boardwalk to meet up with the other guys. 

“Now that’s something you don’t see when you come here.” 

“What’s that?” Cayden grabbed my bear for a moment so I could zip my jacket.  

“A Frog Bog sniper.” Out the corner of my eye, I could have sworn I saw Rian, who was trailing several feet behind us, throw something back the other direction.

“Oh, that. Well, he knows a lot about physics and all that stuff. With Gus’s tutoring, he’s getting a better education than I ever did.” 

Suddenly we heard a commotion back at the Frog Bog booth. It was hard to see from where we stood, but it looked like the angry jerk game operator was trying to punch some spiky-haired skater kid in the face as bystanders intervened.  

“Man, that dude’s pissing everyone off tonight, huh?” Rian laughed with a triumphant grin. 

“Rian, do we have to get Gus to come put your ass back on the bus?” 

“Nooo, I didn’t do anything.” 

“How could he, we’re like 50 feet away at this point?” I came to the defense of the little bugger. 

“Exactly, listen to the lady.” Rian held out his Batman to me. “May he always remind you of me and defend your honor, my enchantress.” 

“Aww, thanks Rian.” 

“Dude, really?” 

“Hey, don’t get made at me you weren’t able to win something for the lady.” Rian put his arm around my shoulders. 

“Actually, Cayden was nice enough to let me take his turns so I could win this guy here.” I patted Yankees bear in the head. 

“Awww, how sweet. Look who decided to use his skills to his advantage.” 

“What do you mean?” I asked confused. 

“Nothing, absolutely nothing. Come on little bro, let’s go explain to Donovan why I wouldn’t let you win him a R2.” Cayden playfully put Rian in a headlock and gave him a noogie. Come to think of it, he might not have been playing around that much. 

“NO! No, no, no!” Rian pleaded. “I’ll be good the rest of the night, I swear.” 

With Rian’s head still locked in his bicep, Cayden headed in the direction of the other guys who were standing at a spinning wheel game, and I followed closely behind. 

They never struck me as typical guys from the moment I met them. It didn’t take a genius to figure out these guys weren’t your run-of-the-mill teenagers you’d find in arcades or skateparks. These were grown men in a band – still young, but definitely no longer boys. Yet there was something puzzling about them that went beyond rock star eccentricity. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I knew there’d be little more they would share with me being so close to public figure status, so I tried to go with the flow. Still, something inside me felt that Cayden was being the most secretive, and he was the one that dragged me along with them in the first place. Okay..okay, he didn’t exactly need to drag me to Seaside with him and the boys. I could have easily got in my mother’s car, drove out of that mall parking lot, and never think twice about it. Despite my wonderment, I was ecstatic I took the road less traveled. Rhiannon would he so proud of me, and enormously pissed I didn’t have Gus come pick her up on the way. 

“Hey there you two! Look what I won.” Kyler held up a giant box of Sugar Daddys with the excitement of a lottery winner.

“That’s awesome, Kyler! Pace yourself there, buddy. You’re not going to want to sing after three hours of root canal.” He chuckled at my little joke.  

“Yeah, but check this out,” Quinn pulled a framed mirror out of a paper grocery bag and held it in front of Cayden and I. Our reflection was partially blocked by a big, printed emblem in the center. “Our name is on a boardwalk prize. We have arrived.” 

“The Sleepless Knights..That is so great, you guys. Congratulations! That puts you all up there with Motley Crue.” 

“Ha, I wouldn’t go that far just yet, but thanks for the vote of confidence.” Cayden draped his arm over my shoulder. 

“Hey, listen to the woman,” Quinn asserted. “If this boardwalk was busier right now, we’d be swimming in chicks. Don’t get me wrong. I love that it’s just the six of us. But there’s really no hormonal balance right now.” 

“Man, start thinking with the head on top for a change,” quipped Donovan as he poked his fearless leader in the top head.    

“Oh, before I forget,” Kyler handed me a stuffed Care Bear, “This is for you.” I struggled to carry three rather large stuffed animals. 

“And this is for you,” Quinn slung the strap of a brand new pink boombox radio over my shoulder. 

“Oh my God, guys. This is too much! Are you all winning every game you play?” 

“Yeah” 

“No” 

Donovan and Kyler answered at the same time. 

“Oh yeah, this for you too,” With his head down, Donovan placed a shiny purple lock and key diary in my somewhat free hand. 

“Thank you so much, Donovan. It’s beautiful.” 

“Nice, man,” added Cayden. 

“Yeah, well, I didn’t win what I wanted from that dart and balloon game, so..”    

“Are you kidding. You just wanted to clear that wall of balloons and watch the dude’s jaw drop. You were going to walk away with nothing until you saw that book,” Kyler dodged a swat from an annoyed Donovan. 

“Well either way. Thank you. All of you, so much. This has already been an interesting night,” I laughed and continued to struggle holding all of my loot until Cayden took some of it off my hands. We managed to squeeze the diary, the boombox, and at least the bottom half of one of the stuffed toys into my backpack. Batman’s head stuck out of my Jansport like a baby strapped to my back. 

“Ok, what do you say we hit some rides, huh? Last one to the bumper cars buys ice cream!” Rian exclaimed then ran towards the ride pier. Kyler and Donovan took off behind him. 

“Dude, you know you gotta be able to see over the steering wheel!” Quinn jogged to catch up. 

Cayden and I looked at each other and shook our heads, making a silent agreement that we weren’t going to run. We walked in silence for a few moments. The further we walked into the heart of the boardwalk, I watched him take it all in – the music of the nearby carousel, the bells ringing from the water racing game, the sweet smell of hot funnel cake. It was as if he was looking at everything for the first time because he was. He was definitely more relaxed than he was at the mall. 

“I’m glad you came with us, really.” 

“I am too.” 

“You know I was thinking more about your artwork and your stories and stuff. You should share your work more often. You may not believe it, but your art can save..I mean help..a lot of people in a big way.” 

“Really, you think I’m that good?” 

“I know you’re that good.” 

I looked down at my feet, unsure of how to respond. “Thank you..but I don’t know about saving the world or anything. I simply put down on paper everything this mind conjures up, sometimes whether I like it or not.” 

“Trust me, everything you create will be important to somebody. That’s the great thing about art, knowing that a part of you is going to be needed by at least one total stranger. And for that stranger, you change their world.” Silence fell upon us for a few moments. If the ocean wind wasn’t constantly blowing in my face, I probably wouldn’t have been able to breathe. 

“That’s kind of easy for you to say. Everybody loves a rock band of five hot guys. Art lovers and short story readers are few and far between.” 

“Ahhh, I see how it is. Five hot guys, huh?” he teased. “I knew you were only hanging out with us for our looks.” 

“And don’t forget the prizes!” I held up my Yankees bear and grinned. 

“That’s a low blow, Wicklow. Now you got to make it up to me. I’m outraged.” He slapped his hand to his chest to exaggerate a broken heart. We entered the ride pier and spotted Rian and Kyler waiting to get on the bumper cars, and Quinn and Donovan were next to get on the pier’s only looping roller coaster, The Viper. 

“And how should I make amends? You guys are much better at beating these games than I am.” 

“Oh, I don’t need a stuffed animal or a mirror with my band’s name on it, Agatha. What I do want is for you to ride The Viper with me.” He flashed a mischievous grin.  

“Ha, no way James! I do not get on anything that goes upside down. You’ll be wearing the sausage sandwich I just ate.” 

“You mean you’ve practically grown up on this boardwalk, and you’ve never been on that coaster.” 

“No, I happen to value my sanity and my life to some extent.” 

“What do you think is going to happen? You’re strapped in by metal bars, and you have centripetal force on your side.” 

“Thank you, Sir Isaac Newton, but I’m still not getting on that thing.” 

“Okay, well I guess I’m going on by myself. The boys just got on, so I’ll have to wait for the next run.” He slowly walked away from me, turning his head a couple of times to show me his sad, puppy dog eyes. He must’ve mastered that look a long time ago. It definitely screwed with my resolve. 

“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not doing it.” I squeezed my teddy bear to me for protection. He continued to baby step his way to the Viper line, using that face for all it was worth, even going so far as to kick an imaginary can or stone. 

“These things are always so much better with someone to ride with.” He continued to pout. The few riders ahead of him in line were either couples or parent/child combos, so he would definitely end up riding next to an empty seat. Despite being on the verge of a panic attack, I didn’t want Cayden or any of the guys to think I was a coward. I didn’t have a wealth of prior knowledge about them going into the evening, but I did know they had a reputation for being bold and adventurous. I could only guess they wanted to see the same sense of adventure in anyone they hung out with. I didn’t want yet another reason to feel out of place in their circle.

“Fine!” I asserted after several moments of terrified silence. I joined him in the line which was starting to move up the steps to the ride’s platform.

“I just want you to know I’m not going to enjoy this for a second, and don’t expect me to open my eyes.” 

“I promise you,” he placed a reassuring hand on the small of my back. “You won’t need to have your eyes open.”

We inched our way closer to the rides platform, my eyes transfixed on the coaster coming to a stop. Wind blown faces smiled and laughed which did nothing to ease my worries. Once the current riders climbed out of their seats, it would be our turn. Ever since I was little, I adamantly refused to go on any looping roller coaster. The reality of hanging upside down 80 feet above the Earth below, regardless if it’s for mere seconds, shatters all rational thought. My regular day-to-day thoughts were typically enough to thrust me into a state of mania. I didn’t need to put my life in the hands of engineers. The cars emptied, and then every relaxed or excited soul in front of us in line handed the ride operator their tickets.

“Yeah!! Go for it, Cayd! That was awesome!” Quinn yelled from the ground below. Cayden gave him a thumbs up, but all I could do was scowl. 

“Okay, Ms. Wicklow. You ready for the ride of your life?” 

“You mean..the ride to..the afterlife.” I didn’t realize how short of breath I was until I spoke. 

“Hey, hey, hey, Maeve. It’s alright. I promise you are going to love this. You won’t want it to end.” 

Cayden handed the operator our tickets. I had to think of an escape fast, without looking like a wuss. 

“Oh, darn! I can’t go on with all the stuff you guys gave me. Guess I’ll just have to sit this one out.” 

“You can leave you stuff right here, miss.” The ride operator pointed to the floor of the steel platform, near the controls. 

“There you go! Problem solved,” Cayden rubbed his hands together. 

“Thank you! Sir. I am forever grateful for your help!” I reluctantly placed my backpack and stuffed animals near the control panel. 

“Come on,” Cayden took my hand and squeezed lightly, the warmth and softness offered me a few seconds of ease. “You have nothing to worry about. I swear to you I will break your fall – if our restraints happen to fail us.” 

“Not helpful Cayden!” 

“Sorry, bad choice of words.” 

My heart beat out of my chest, and my palm sweated onto his. As we approached our seats, my vision blurred. Cayden climbed into the car and reached his hand out to me. 

“I’ll have sex with you on the beach instead.” Apparently I had no control of what came out of my mouth either. I never had sex before, and there was no way it was happening that night. He blushed and laughed nervously. The couple in the seats behind us laughed. I’m pretty sure the guy said, “Damn, I wish it was that easy,” which then earned him a backhanded slap to the gut from his girlfriend. 

“Tempting, but that’s not going to get you out of this ride. Let’s go, Wicklow.” 

Every muscle in my body tightened and I held my breath as we got strapped into our seats. There were over-the-shoulder straps as well as a cushioned bar that locked us into place. Despite the security, I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing with images of a catastrophic, bloody derailment or my body being whipped out of its seat and into the Atlantic Ocean.  I gripped the metal handle bars until my knuckles were white and stared blankly at the seat in front of mine. 

“Want to hold my hand?” He tried to unlock my grip from the cold steel. 

“No” 

“Why not?” 

“Because I want to hold on. What do you mean, “why not?” 

“Nothing. Is. Going. To. Happen. Don’t you trust me at least a little bit by now?” His tone had its typical light-heartedness, but I could sense his seriousness too. 

“It’s not that I don’t trust you. I don’t trust machines.” 

“Human beings are machines in one way or another, Maeve. Just as unpredictable too. At least we used to be.” 

“What do you mean, “used to be?” I looked over at him for the first time since we got into our seats. He looked almost somber for someone who was about to ride a rollercoaster he couldn’t wait to get on. I decided to shut up and at least try not to look terrified. 

That didn’t last. The cars jolted forward and began their slow and steep ascent. I flashed my eyes open occasionally to take in the view the higher we crept, but then squeezed them shut once I got a glimpse of the ride’s approaching summit. I studied every sound beneath me, the clanking of the massive chain that pulled us up, the occasional squeaky wheel. I wanted to hold my breath until I passed out, but then I remembered no one can really do that. Cayden pulled at my hand once again, and this time I felt powerless to stop him. Opening one eye, I caught a glimpse of him, his head back against the seat, eyes softly closed, a relaxed smile on that perfect mouth. I looked down to see his fingers intwine with mine, his thumb drawing circles on my skin. Miraculously, my body relaxed and I locked both eyes on him. At that moment, I felt like I could stare at him forever. But then we reached the top and came to a two second halt. 

“Close your eyes.” It was a whisper I shouldn’t have been able to hear. As soon as the coaster started its near 90 degree angled plummet, I complied. He squeezed my hand.  

I felt the force of the drop at first. Then a glow of soft yellow light filled my vision. I knew the wind hit my face, and my long curls flew wildly. But suddenly, I was no longer there. The roar of the machine, the sounds of the boardwalk, the screams of joy from the other riders somehow quieted like a radio being turned down to minimum. I figured my terror somehow blocked out the noise, but I didn’t feel an ounce of tension or fear. But nothing was more overwhelming than what I saw. 

There I was looking out at the ocean as I walked slowly, the waves crashing against the rocks, the lengths of my grayish lavender chiffon dress and black shawl waving violently in the wind, thick locks of hair blowing in my face. The sky finished a late afternoon storm, and the jagged rocks looked menacing, inviting, and quelling all at once. The lush green beneath my feet, which stretched out for miles, was familiar though it was a place I knew I’d never see. 

How did I end up walking the highest point of the Cliffs of Moher? I felt everything – the sea spray, the grass under my bare feet, the warmth of the sun reemerging from the dissipating clouds fused perfectly with the slight chill of the breeze. For several moments, I was alone. Not a living thing, not even a seagull, could be heard or seen. Until a strong pair of arms wrapped around me, and I froze. His breath trailed from behind my ear, down my neck, then lips touched my exposed shoulder.

 I shuddered and attempted to turn to see who it was, but before I could catch the slightest glimpse, his hand gently grabbed my face. He pressed my back against him with his other hand and buried his face in my hair. Right when I tried to speak, a flash of light and a jerking motion pulled me away. The ride had come to an abrupt stop, and began it’s slow roll back to the platform. I looked around windblown and dazed, but I wasn’t sure from which experience. My hand was still wrapped with his, and I looked over to see his beautiful smile. 

“See that wasn’t so bad, was it?” 

“What even happened? Did this thing even move?” I was breathless and confused and there was no point in hiding it. 

“Yeah it did. That was awesome.” 

“I’m glad you had fun. I…I..I don’t know what the hell happened. But I wasn’t here.” 

“Really, where were you?” He asked like he already knew the answer. 

“Nevermind. It was nothing. I guess my imagination is better than I think it is sometimes.”  

He helped me climb out of the car once the coaster finally reached the exit and entrance ramps. I took three steps and my knees felt like they turned to dust. As promised, he stopped me from falling. 

“Whoa, careful there, Agatha,” he held my waist and I grabbed the lapels of his jacket. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah..yeah I think so. It’s just I saw something…something so real it was as if…,” I started to regain my bearings, “Oh, nothing, don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Better than I’ve been in a long time actually.” I released my grasp on his jacket and went to grab my bag and prizes. He insisted I hold his arm as we made our way down the ramp where the guys were waiting for us. 

“Hey there, Mork and Mindy! How was The Viper?” Kyler asked. 

“She did great, you guys. I’m proud of her.” Cayden draped his arm over my shoulders. 

“Oh come on, it’s not like I climbed Everest or something,” I nudged him with my elbow. 

 “Well, I embarrassed the hell out of this dork on the bumper cars,” Rian boasted as he jumped on Kyler’s back. 

“Only because that’s how you actually drive, ya dickhead.” Kyler shrugged Rian off of him then put the younging into a playful head lock. 

“So what do you say guys? Haunted house time?” asked Quinn. 

“Man, that’s lame. I want to ride The Viper again,” complained Donovan. 

“I’ll go on with you, Don!” Rian jumped in. 

“You better not, dude. We didn’t bring the diapers with us,” teased Kyler. 

“Eat shit and die, numbnuts.” Rian attempted to flick Kyler in the ear. 

“The haunted house has always been a family favorite.” But honestly, I wasn’t in the mood to ride anything else. My head was still reeling from the coaster, and I felt the urge to draw and write before I forgot a single moment of it. 

“Well, let’s go, my lady. Lead the way. Re and Donovan, meet us back at the Scrambler,” Quinn patted Donovan on the back before he and Rian ran back to the growing Viper line. The rest of us made our way to the haunted house. I wanted to go in the haunt, but at the same time, I didn’t – too many good memories of a time lost that ultimately drained every fiber of my existence. 

Cayden sensed my feigned happiness as the cart rolled and twisted its way through the horror themed rooms. I pretty much knew where every mechanical creature was going to pop out at us. I knew where every loud bang and crash was going to sound. Every time a supposed scare happened, he reached over to tickle my side and let out a girly scream, and for several moments, I was a kid again – giggling like an eight year old and not having a care in the world. 

The boys and I went on a few more rides before they decided on an arcade. I wasn’t interested in playing arcade games at that point, and my feet were killing me. I told them to go have fun while I grabbed an Orange Julius and relaxed on a bench. 

“You guys go ahead. I’m going to stick with Maeve.” Cayden took a seat next to me. 

“Okay, but you two crazy kids stay out of trouble now, you here.” Quinn winked then followed the rest of them to the beeping melodies of the arcade games. 

“He’s not much for subtlety is he?” 

“Never has been. Never will be. Still, I don’t know what I’d do without him though.” 

“They’re all such great brothers to have. You’re very lucky, Cayden.” 

“Well, Kyler is the only one who is my biological brother. The others I’ve known since we were in diapers.” 

“Oh, I would have never had guessed. Now that you mention it, I guess I do see the resemblance a little. You definitely have prett…I mean..bigger, more expressive eyes.” I looked down at my lap, hoping he didn’t catch on to my near slip. I really need to learn how to shut my pie hole sometimes. 

“Thank you. And you…you have the wildest head of hair I’ve ever seen on a woman.” 

“Thanks, I guess,” I ran my fingers through my curls that were definitely unruly thanks to the wind and sea mist. He turned to look out into the ocean. 

“Hey, what do you say we walk the beach a little while those buttheads blow all their cash on Donkey Kong.” 

“This isn’t going to be the part where you kill me and throw me in the ocean, right?” I asked mischievously. 

“No, but I wouldn’t mind trying that sex on the beach thing you were talking about earlier.” 

I laughed nervously and looked the other way. I knew he wasn’t serious, for the most part, but I couldn’t help but feel my face start to burn. 

“You know I’m kidding, right? My hands will not leave my pockets, I swear.” 

“Alright, alright. But remember what I said about those fountain pens. I’m not afraid to use them.” 

We walked close enough to the water where there was nothing but wet sand beneath our feet. Occasionally, I used the glow of the boardwalk to look back at our footprints in the sand. We talked about music, art, which Godfather was the best out of the three, and life in general. Well, I did most of the talking and he asked the questions, which was fine with me since I’m not an initiator – especially in that situation. What do you ask a man that appeared to have it all – growing fame and fortune, family and friends, travel and luxuries? 

Still, all of my questions were given vague answers or complete reversals. In such a short amount of time, I never knew how much one person could be a friend and a total stranger at the same time. We found a dry, sandy spot to sit and simply stare out into the vastness of the ocean. The waves were gentle and rhythmic, and only a few stars could be seen through the scattered clouds. All of the boat lights in the distance put on more of a light show. Cayden lie back, propped up on his elbows while I stayed sitting upright. Suddenly, I felt the urge to crack the walls he seemed to build around himself. I needed him to know that I would never be some nutjob groupie who would sell his story to the highest bidder. 

“Tell me something that no one will ever know – no matter how famous you guys get and for how long.” 

“Ohhh, so you are putting us in fad status already, huh? I see bow it is?” He winked. 

“No,” I playfully slapped his leg, “Don’t put words in my mouth. I’m serious. Something no one else will ever know. Don’t you trust me? It’s not like I’m going to run and talk to some tabloid. I don’t talk to anyone.” 

“Believe it or not..I live a pretty simple life despite being in a band. I’m just a guy from Maine trying to live a dream, I guess.” 

“There is nothing about any of you that’s simple, Cayden. People like me who live in towns like Eatontown, New Jersey, who hang out in skating rinks, and make $4.50 an hour live simple lives.” I packed the sand in front of me to build a little mountain. 

“Okay, let me think here,” he sat up straight. “Something no one else will ever know. Hmmm..when I was a kid, going through a car wash used to terrify me.” 

“Really,” I laughed. 

“Yes really. Those big flaps that would swish around and cover the whole car, I thought we were being eaten by a giant squid!” 

“You are impossible. I feel like you know my whole life by now, and I barely know anything about you. Yet here I am with you in the dark, totally alone, How do I know you’re not a serial killer.” 

“Don’t you think I would have done it by now?”  

“I guess you have a point.” A few moments of silence fell as I let some sand fall through my fingers.

“Okay, three truths. Are you ready?” He turned to face me, his brilliant, hazel orbs still visible in the minimal light. 

“Okay,” I breathed.  

“I’m a big grudge holder. I would give up the band if I could and fix up a dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere. And you have an remarkable talent that shouldn’t just sit there in a backpack, not being put to good use.”

“That’s not fair. That last one was about me.”  

“I said three truths. None of them had to be about me.” 

“Okay, so what would be a lie then?” 

“Every self-deprecating thing you say about yourself, Maeve Wicklow. You have so many gifts..I wish I can tell you what they are..but…” He raked his hand through his hair and sighed in frustration. 

“But what, Cayden?” I whispered. 

“Nothing, nevermind. All I’m saying is, don’t let your talent go to waste. You deserve more than just selling dog biscuits in a shopping mall.” 

“The world isn’t necessarily my oyster, James. I have my parents to take care of, and I’m kind of on my own.” 

“I know.” 

“What do you mean, you know?” 

“No, I remember you saying something like that on the bus on the way here, that’s all. Hey, you know what,” desperate to change the subject, “I know it’s probably freezing cold but let’s dip our toes in the water!” He quickly removed his boots and socks. 

“Are you crazy? It’s only April. It’s going to feel like daggers to your feet!” 

“Oh come on, you survived The Viper. I don’t think a little cold water is going to do anything to you.” He yanked off my one sneaker and then the other before rolling my socks off. I hoped the tremor that raced through my body when his warm hands touched my feet wasn’t too obvious. 

“Come on, it will be fun.” He reached his hands to me to lift me up. 

“Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. This water doesn’t get to a tolerable level until July.” 

He took my hand as we crept closer to where the waves were breaking. As soon as the water hit our skin, we laugh screamed and did a dance as if we were walking on nails. 

“Oh. My. God. Alright, have you gotten this out of your system now?” I attempted to pull him back with me. 

“No wait, come on,” he pulled me back closer to him. He stood behind me and wrapped me in an embrace. “It’s nicer the closer we are to the water, like the rest of the world has disappeared.” He realized how tightly he had me pressed against him and slightly relinquished his hold. But I could feel his hands, the right one callused from so many years of playing guitar, under my jacket and resting on the skin uncovered by my crop top. At first, I froze in place, trying not to hold my breath or tremble but then soon relaxed. 

“Never take this night from me 

God, don’t let me just be. 

Don’t make me choose,

I got everything to lose…” 

He oddly waved his hand in front of us as he softly sang the lyrics to one of The Sleepless Knights’ songs. My hair blew in his face, and he didn’t seem to care. As nervous as I was, I felt like I couldn’t be anywhere else at that moment. Then the greenish, blue lights appeared. Rising to the surface of the water, forming nebulas, as if the ocean could still mirror what the sky couldn’t show us. 

“Oh my God.” 

“What? What’s wrong?” 

“Look at that. Do you know what that is?” 

“Oh, some shiny stuff in the water I guess.” 

“Cayden, that’s..that’s bioluminescence. Our waters are too green and murky usually. You never see that here, ever. That is amazing.” 

“Oh yeah, I’ve heard about that. That’s cool. Not something you see every day, right?” 

“It’s been on my list of things I need to do before I die for a long time now.” I continued to stare at the mesmerizing glow I thought I’d never see. 

“You have a list like that?” 

“Yeah, I think everybody does at some point.” 

“May I ask what’s at the top of your list?” 

“Well, as a matter of fact. I was somehow fully transported to Ireland during the Viper ride, and that is my dream.” 

“Really, was that why you were so out-of-it? You looked like you saw a ghost.”

“That’s just it. I felt like..I wasn’t in my body. But I know I was. It was my crazy hair whipping around, I felt the grass beneath my feet. It was just so weird. I’ve had plenty of out-of-body experiences, but this…this was different. And I wasn’t alone.” 

“Maybe you’re never really alone, Maeve.”  

He looked at me with an intensity I had yet to experience. “I mean, you have your art work, your writing, your friend Rhiannon you mentioned, school, work.” 

“You have no idea what it means to be alone, Cayden. You have your brother and your three best friends who love you. You’ll travel the world and create awesome music. I’ve got Black Friday sales and community college, if I’m lucky.” 

“Why do you have to bring yourself down like that?” He pulled me closer to him again until our faces were inches apart.  

“I speak as I find, Mr. Donnelly.” 

“You’ll make it to the Cliffs of Moher one day. I promise.” 

“How did you know I saw the Cliffs of Moher?” 

“What? Oh, just a wild guess.” We locked eyes for what seemed like full minutes but was mere seconds. 

“This night has been..so strange and confusing, but..I don’t want it to end.” He brushed a curl out of my face. 

“Listen to me now, Maeve. Things may..only get stranger and even more confusing, but..” He struggled to find the words. “Just know that I will always, always tell you nothing but truths.” 

All I could do was nod as we continued to lock eyes. His face was so close to mine I felt his breath on my lips. I didn’t know what to do. Move in closer? Part my lips a little? My great-grandmother always said it was bad etiquette for a woman to stand with her lips apart for no reason. But then how were you supposed to let a guy know it was okay to kiss you? Was it really okay, or did the fact I would never see him again make it hurt too much? So I just froze. Suddenly, I couldn’t feel the cold water at my feet. 

Boom! Boom! Boom! 

We were scared out of our wits by fireworks, and the bioluminescence had disappeared. 

“We should get back before the guys send out a search party.” 

“Yeah, of course. It is getting late, isn’t it? And I don’t want my Mom’s car to get towed out of the mall lot.” 

We put our shoes back on, gathered my things, and trudged through the sand back to the boardwalk. We hardly spoke the whole way back, but he always looked like he had something on the tip of his tongue. It didn’t take long for me to regret not getting a chance to taste it.